Saturday, May 05, 2001

One more set of finals to go- monday morning. But I decided to reward myself prematurely for enduring the schoolweek from hell by spending last night and this morning/afternoon on the couch in front of the magic psychedelic window. These are my findings:

How badass is PBS on friday nights? I didn't tune in till around 10:00, but I was blind-sided by the ferocious one-two punch of American High and The Short List. From here on out, kaytee from AH will be referred to as "my girlfriend." No joke- if I were five years younger and attended highschool in suburban Chicago, I would do everything in my power to make her mine. We'd write cute crushsongs about eachother and go to poetry slams and seem pretentious to everyone but the two of us. My heart does especially impressive flippityflops whenever she giggles in between song lyrics. Cute as a button.

My roommates have between the two of them a rather extensive video library, most of which I've viewed liberally since we've lived together, but I always chose to bypass Jason's copy of A Few Good Mens, on account of the following issues:

1. The auspicious presence of the soundbite heard around the world, uttered by our friend Jay-Nic and repeated as the punchline to more mediocre latenight monologues than "where's the beef" and "I've fallen, and I can't get up" added, multiplied, logarithmicized together.

2. T. Cruise and his "I have unresolved issues with my father" acting skills, with very few exceptions, annoys the feces out of me.

3. Our girl Demetria ain't all that, contary to popular belief. More than a handful, boys. And that school-marm hairdo she's sporting in this courtroom drama doesn't do her any better.

4. It's a courtroom drama. Think Grisham in camoflauge.

But I lingered. I watched. And here are some of the things that made it one of the most pleasurable viewing experiences ever:

1. The aforementioned Nicholson catchphrase. Come on everybody, pull back your hair, bug out your eyes and show lots of teeth. And anticipate it from his first moment on the screen. Thenceforth, whenever anybody even slightly raises their voice, even if Jacko isn't even in the scene, deliver said phrase with all the passion you can muster and then laugh your ass off. The next girlfriend I have, if she won't participate in this game, she loses. Seriously. Check me out. An added bonus is the walkon presence of perhaps the catchphrase king's most obvious progeny, Cuba Gooding Jr. One is tempted, almost obligated, in his courtroom appearance, and indeed the inaugural Cruise/Gooding team-up(!), to wistfully imagine the following dialogue:

Cubes: What is it you want from me?
Tommy: I want you to show me the money.
Cubes: What? I can't hear you.
Tommy: I said show me the money.
Cubes: Louder!
Tommy: SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!
Cubes: YOU CAN"T HANDLE THE MONEY!

Classic.

2. Christopher Guest- Who knew?- crankin' it up to eleven as the prosecution's medical witness. A totally non-comedic performance, mind you, and in a Rob Reiner production, no less. How much of an inside joke must that have been? I was in tears.

3. The whole six degrees of kevin bacon thing. And then there's the Kieferfactor, to boot. Add a Baldwin brother and you'd have the makings of a masterpiece.

4. The laughable fact that the most "powerhouse performance" goes completely unmentioned on the packaging. I totally dig this kid.

5. The obviously nod-to-Capra endframe with "The End" in cursive across a sepia-toned courtroom. Schmaltz rock.

What can I say? I can't even judge whether it was a quality movie, there was so much else going on. I may never know the truth. I probly couldn't handle it. You totally knew I was gonna say that. Back to the books.

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